Never good enough

I've always written down my personal thoughts & hide the paper/diary around my room/tear+throw it away.
But somehow prying eyes always seem to get hold of them.
& Just like how betrayed I felt a few years back
When it was revealed(by accident on their part) that I don't deserve any privacy at all,
with the excuse of them being concerned.
& hoho, I realised my blog ain't read by them
So it might be harmless to put some thoughts here afterall.
Or perhaps, maybe not, okay just a little.
*breathes in*

I never liked holidays. Other than the more outings with my friends & perhaps more time for myself, holidays are irritating.

Because it spells that I am supposed to go get a job, slog my life out throughout the whole holiday period & attempt to earn as much $$ as possible. Off-days if taken would be considered(to them) as me slacking & simply being irresponsible.
& Now that I am not working(officially quit my boring & meaningless job on 28 Feb), I am just told that I am actually a disgrace to them.

Disgrace, how strong a word, how hurtful. Because I've never done anything great enough to show that I'm good.
I've never won a prize in music(haven't I said, I've always wanted to learn how to dance ballet & play the piano?) or sports(I was never the sporty kind when I was younger though), or did good enough in studies(I'm always being compared with my cousin(was it because we have the same birthday?), who is pretty, good in sports, loved & very smart- I think she just beat me hands-down for 'A's).
& now, because I've been slacking at home & that she's gotten a job, I'm comparably useless.

No, absolutely useless.

Don't they know that I enjoy my life so much now(lazing around?)- spending time with friends, having time to myself, quiet times of reading & finding out more about God, rather than waking up to rush off to some faraway office, slog myself out for many hours, earning a mediocre pay(which I never seem to receive, not yet- the companies I've worked for seem to process pay very slowly), going home yet to repeat the cycle over & over- with no personal freedom/time for self & others.

Yet perhaps this is the only way to please them, some monotonous, live-to-work life.
Or perhaps I'm really naive & that this is really the way to live.
Not a life of loving God, loving people, loving life
(or was that just my own excuse of being lazy?)
But a dogmatic, practical life of worldly pursuits of cash, paper chase & the world-defined 'success'?

Disgrace.

I secretly envy almost all of my close friends' lives. Which would most probably be you, reading this page. Most, I filter off those who aren't close, haha.

P.S. I am okay, okay? Just slightly upset & needed to get things off.
P.P.S. I want an MP3 ASAP.
P.P.P.S. I don't have time to do up the site(Restrictions on computer usage). ARGH!!!!! another disappointment, to self, to everyone. I'll do my best...